Dear Diary
by JayTang
Summary: The night before a major battle, Naruto reflects on his life. He thinks about the things he loves, the things he hates, the lies he has lived, and the truths he has told. NaruHina, slight AU and OOC. Naruto x Hinata. Extremely EPIC, in my opinion.


**(A/N: This fic is rated T for language, major fluff, and adult situations. I do not own Naruto in any way.)**

**Well, I own volume 30 but that's it.**

**2/21/10**

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Dear Diary,

I'm sick of pretending.

Pretending to be a stupid, carefree fool. Acting like everything is hunky dory in the world, keeping that shit-faced grin on my face 24/7. Always being positive, always being energetic, always being cheerful. I wish I could just stop. I wish I didn't have to pretend to be happy.

But I do. Early in my childhood (if you could call it that, my childhood died with the first beating I can remember, on my fourth birthday), I realized that people fear strength more than they despise weakness. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to rage. Rage leads to pain…for me, at least. By the tender age of seven, I decided to act incompetent and cheerful, stupid but happy. It worked…kind of. The rate of beatings went down, and people only ostracized me and ignored me, instead. And so, the mask of the dobe was created.

I'm sick of keeping up my mask. I did all sorts of shit to convince everyone that the happy-go-lucky personality was the real me. I pulled asinine pranks, I acted stupid in class, and I pretended to love a girl who most obviously could never love me back. I fooled everyone, including Sandaime-jiji, Tsunade-baa-chan, Ero-sennin, Iruka-sensei, and Kakashi sensei. All of the people who were closest to me were fooled. Everyone……except one.

I remember the first time I met Hinata. I was…eight? Nine? I'm not 100% sure. But I was training with kunai, trying to hit a target with a single kunai after changing its trajectory by hitting it midflight with two other kunai…while blindfolded. Of course, being blindfolded I only had the clash of metal and the sound of an impact to go on. One day, I tried to hit the main kunai with three other kunai. I ended up making the projectile do a 180 and stabbed myself in the stomach.

Hinata was there that day. She was stalking me, as usual, and was watching me train. She thought I was seriously hurt, and she rushed out from behind a tree to try to help me. I was stunned. Not because of the pain, though, I had felt much worse, even at that age. I just yanked the stupid knife out and began to heal. No, I was stunned because I didn't know that she was watching; that she had caught a hint of my true skills.

In the instant that she rushed towards me, I wondered if the Hyuga Clan had it in for me. No one would care if the heiress killed the demon boy in a 'training accident', except Sarutobi-jiji. In fact, most people would congratulate her. Of course, I was surprised when she was so concerned about me. No one had ever cared about me. Still, I did not want anyone close to me; you can only be betrayed by the people you trust. I tried to push her away, and told her I was fine, that she should go away.

"A-Ano, you're not h-hiding your e-emotions, Naruto-kun." She had said, her face sporting the blush that I have come to adore. "U-Usually you try to h-hide your sadness b-behind a m-mask of false h-h-happiness. D-Don't p-p-push me a-away, I w-want to h-help…"

I was shocked. No one had ever seen past my happy façade to see the real me. For that reason alone, I wanted to protect Hinata, so I tried to push her away. Isn't that fucked up?

I ripped my shirt open, showing Hinata my quickly closing wound and the Eight Trigrams Seal also on my stomach. I called myself a monster, revealing that I was the bearer of the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the Nine-tailed Demon Fox. I said I didn't need help. I'd been on my own since I was three, kicked out of the orphanage and living on the streets; at least until Sarutobi-jiji got me an apartment. I said I can never have friends, never have anyone there to help me, never be truly liked or loved. Hinata was shocked, but she wasn't scared away; she grew closer to me after I opened up to her. She hugged me, crying and apologizing for all the things I was forced to suffer, even though they had absolutely nothing to do with her. Fearfully, I tried one last time to scare her away, saying that if she stayed close to me, sooner or later I could end up killing her, one way or another. She looked at me with those beautiful, pale eyes and said, quite clearly, "You could never hurt me, Naruto-kun. I believe in you."

Those words touched me deeply, but I didn't let it show. I scoffed and said that I would probably hurt her, and enjoy it. She wasn't fooled.

Somehow, we became great friends. Of course, we couldn't let anyone know about it. Me, the most hated jinchuriki (only jinchuriki) of Konoha, fraternizing with Hinata, heiress to the Hyuga, proudest clan in the Village Hidden in the Leaves? Nuh uh, I don't think so. I'd probably be accused of 'corrupting' the Hyuga heiress, or worse, they would ostracize Hinata for hanging out with me.

In the Academy, our contact would be very limited. I was better at hiding my emotions than Hinata was; I'd had practice smiling at the people who cursed me and thanking the people who beat me. Still, Hinata did an excellent job. She never slipped up once, although sometimes I used to think that the stress got to her and that was why she passed out. It took me awhile to find out differently.

Pretending not to know each other was, as Shikamaru says, a total drag. I can confidently say we both got sick of it pretty quickly.

Under orders from Sarutobi-jiji (the Third and current Hokage, at the time), I was ordered to fail the genin test...the night before the day of the test. What the hell? Apparently, one of his ANBU had seen one of my more advanced training sessions. Anyways, Sarutobi-jiji was suspicious of a chunin, a man by the name of Mizuki. Incidentally, he was Iruka-sensei's partner, back in the day. He was going to be one of the proctors for the genin test.

Sarutobi-jiji, quickly figuring out my true level of skill, ordered me to fail. This way, Mizuki would attempt to convince me to steal the Forbidden Scroll of Seals, probably under the guise of a secondary genin test. I was a bit wary at first, but things worked out exactly the way Sarutobi-jiji planned.

Afterwards, I got put on a team with Sakura-ama, my fake 'crush', and Sasuke-teme, some emo boy who just about every girl, other than Hinata, lusted after. Our sensei was Hatake Kakashi, some smut-reading pervert who put all his focus of Sasuke-teme. Originally, upon being put in Team 7, I had hoped that I could become good enough friends with my teammates and sensei that I could drop my mask around them. I was dead wrong, and had to keep pretending to be the happy me.

I got sick of keeping up my mask, and I was even more sick of the fact that I didn't get to see my one (and only) friend, Hinata. Eventually, in the Chunin Exams, Hinata was almost killed by her cousin Neji. Seeing her failing, bloody body on the floor made me realize just how important Hinata was to me. I swore on her blood that day; I swore that I would make Neji pay.

One month later, I upheld my oath. During the month of training, (at the beginning of which, Kakashi-teme ditched me so he could spend all his time training his precious Uchiha) I worked my ass off. I also spent time with Hinata-chan (I started adding the affectionate term around then) in the hospital. She kept on blushing whenever I showed up, but I thought I was getting close to the reason why. She must be allergic to ramen, and because I eat it so much, the scent sticks to me!......Wait, that can't be right. We've eaten ramen at Ichiraku's before, so that can't be it…

I defeated Neji, upholding my promise. Sound and Sand attacked us, and we prevailed. We grew closer and closer to each other, and soon I found there was another new thing that I had to pretend.

I had to pretend that I didn't love you, Hinata.

It took me a long, long, very long time to figure it out. My entire life, I have never known love. Not the caring, soft love of a mother, nor the proud care of a father. My entire life has been filled with hate; but I did not turn to hate as my means of existence. No, instead I became numb inside. Happiness, joy, laughter, I lost the meaning of all those things, and faked them when necessary. So when I felt an odd feeling for Hinata, and found myself unable to ignore it, I assumed it was part of friendship.

When you see a friend, does your pulse speed up or do you get light-headed? Do your hands get clammy as you try to wonder what to say that _won't_ make you look like a complete idiot? Does your heart skip a beat when your friend smiles? Would you give anything just to hear a friend laugh? Probably not. Would you do any one of these things for the person you love? Without a doubt. Would you give your life to safe the one you love? In an instant.

For the same reasons that I didn't realize that I was in love, I was oblivious to Hinata's own obvious feelings for me. How could I recognize love when I had never received it before? The only glances I have received were those of hate and disgust, not adoration, admiration, or affection. Most certainly not love.

And so I decided not to tell Hinata how I felt. I didn't want to ruin our friendship with my own emotions. The person who said "Far better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" was obviously not a jinchuriki. That person obviously had a shoulder to cry on if his or her heart was ever broken. Hinata was my _only_ friend. I was not going to lose her if I could prevent it.

I tried to keep my feelings hidden, but Hinata saw through my act with the same astuteness she had always had. Funny, how she doesn't need to use her Byakugan to see into the very core of my thoughts. She knew something was wrong, and asked me about it at my apartment.

I confessed. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was on my knees, crying and begging her to forgive me. I remember saying I would do anything, _**anything**_, if she would allow me to remain her friend. She fell to her knees, tears streaming from her beautiful, lavender eyes.

I looked at her, and this was her reply:

"Na-Naruto-kun, I l-love you too!"

We sat there on the floor hugging each other for Kami knows how long. We were both in shock, for very different and very similar reasons. For me, everything had clicked into place. When you looked at me and blushed before looking away, prodding your fingers, it was not because you were ashamed of being seen in public with me. It was because you loved me, but were embarrassed and thought I would never love you back. When you fainted, it was not because you were sick or because you were allergic to ramen. It was because you were so happy to be near me.

I can only imagine how happy Hinata was when she found out her love was reciprocated. Later, she told me that she had loved me for _seven_ years. Geez, maybe my 'denseness' wasn't totally a façade, after all.

Pretending that we didn't love each other…sucked ass. Luckily, Hinata's father was being a lot more accepting of Hinata recently, and he was also one of the few who saw me as the jailor, not the jailed. Still, hiding our love was even more important than hiding our friendship. More important, and more difficult.

Soon, Hinata-chan and I got put onto a mission to look for the Bikochu Beetle, an insect that would help us bring Sasuke-teme's dumb ass back to Konoha. On the way there, we had a secret rendezvous at night. I will always remember that night. We danced on the water and shared our first kiss under the moonlight.

Later the next day I teased her about it. It was risky, but it was completely worth it to see that perfect blush on my tenshi's face.

On the mission, there was an instant when I thought Hinata-chan was killed. I almost went Kyuubi right there. I wanted to **rip**, to **tear**, to **crush** those three Iwa-nin into little, bloody pieces. A second before I broke free of that pitiful wax containing me, my angel appeared. Long story short, Hinata used a powerful new jutsu, Shugohakke Rokujuyon Sho, to defeat a boss insect summon and the three ninja.

That's my tenshi. A strong, brave, and courageous kunoichi in her own right. As for the result of the mission, well, let's just say that I blame Kiba's cooking.

As more and more time passed, Hinata and I grew even closer, if possible. When I was going to leave the village for two and a half years, I was crushed. I couldn't see Hinata-chan for that long!?!? Sadly, it was necessary. Upon our tearful parting, we both promised to become stronger in the next few years. More importantly, we promised each other to stay true.

Over the next few years, I'm sure Jiraiya wondered why I was so moody, at times. He attributed it to being in love with Sakura (I still had to keep up that Kami-forsaken act). Oh, love was definitely the reason why I got really pissed off at times. It just wasn't directed at that pink haired bitch.

When we got back, I was amazing at how much my tenshi had matured. Where a beautiful, cute, brave girl once was, a gorgeous, enchanting, serene, powerful young woman was now. In a word, Hinata was perfect. She always was, and always will be.

About a week after I got back, we decided to take the final step together. In our secret spot behind the Hokage Mountain, we gently made love under the stars and the sky. Our love had no limit, neither physical nor mental. The next morning, I was tempted to shout from the top of the Yondaime's stone head that Hinata was my woman, and that I, Uzumaki-Namikaze Naruto, was her man.

I couldn't, of course. The general public's opinion of me had changed greatly, particularly after saving Konoha from Shukaku, but the best time to announce our relationship would have to be after I became Hokage. Hinata still had to act shy, and I still had to act oblivious. Still, that didn't stop us from meeting at night, or from saying little special messages during the day. Special little words and phrases that wouldn't raise our "friends'" suspicions.

"Be quiet and cum with me." I said to you, once. A joke, and an invitation. Then friggin' Kiba-teme had to come along. Freaking ass.

Surprisingly, Akamaru had changed much more than dog-boy. In fact, just about all of our comrades had changed greatly.

All of you guys made chunin, and Shino, Choji, and Shikamaru were undergoing training to take over as Clan Head of their respective clans. Neji made jonin, even. Arguably, I was the strongest of everyone (not to brag, of course, just being honest) yet I was the only genin. Ironic, ne?

To be honest, the only person who hadn't changed was Sakura. Oh, I don't mean skill-wise, she learned some nifty techniques from Tsunade-baa-chan. What I mean is that she was still focused on Sasuke-teme.

Why couldn't I have chosen someone else to use as a scapegoat for my 'false love'? At the very least, I could have chosen someone who didn't hit me, but nooooooooo. Now, I have to let that bitch hit me with her chakra-enhanced strength. I could easily dodge, and kill the image I've been building all these years. Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it. I'd like to do a lot of things to Sakura, and none of them are the _things_ I'd like to do with Hinata.

I can't wait until the day comes when we no longer have to worry about doing something as simple as holding hands in public.

When Pain attacked, and I was pinned to the ground, you knew there was no other choice. You chose to sacrifice your life for mine. I pleaded for you to save yourself, but you would not leave me there to die. You turned to me and gave me that special smile of yours. You knew you would die, and just wanted to say once last thing to me: "I love you."

As I saw you, lying motionless on the ground, I lost it completely. Six tails, seven tails, eight tails. I was just about to go nine, but was stopped thanks to a combination of my father's foresight and my own willpower.

I defeated God Path, and was about to go find the real one, when I found out you were still alive. I decided to spare the real Pain, and he revived the dead in Konoha, although at the cost of his own life.

I guess everything worked out, after that. There were some people who heard your confession. Well, the fox was out of the bag. Heh, I guess they were shocked when I got back and kissed you, in front of everyone in Konoha. I guess I'm lucky that your father wasn't there…I'd been beaten up enough for one day.

People were actually very accepting of our relationship and of me in general. I guess the fact that this was the second time that I had saved Konoha from complete and utter destruction didn't hurt. The fact that I was the son of the Yondaime was certainly a bonus, too.

I thought everything was going to be fine…until Danzo became the Candidate Sixth Hokage. _Seriously_, I remember thinking at the time, _how the hell did that happen?_

Later, we found out that Danzo had multiple Sharingan implanted in his body, and the one in his left eye had the ability to plant ideas within others' subconscious's. Damn it, I wanted to be the next Hokage after baa-chan!

However, Danzo committed suicide (with the intent to kill Sasuke-teme and Madara). Afterwards, Sakura-ama joined up with Sasuke. I knew that she had never gotten over that emo, but I had really hoped that she was starting to change for the better, especially after she healed Hinata-chan.

So here I am, just about to go to sleep. I'm probably going to end up fighting Sakura, Sasuke, and Madara, all at the same time, tomorrow. Let's see, my opponents are the Legendary Tsunade's apprentice (I'll probably have to watch for chakra scalpels and that monstrous strength), an emo boy with the Mangekyo Sharingan, and an immortal with the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan. I won't be able to use the Kyuubi's chakra, the Sharingan can suppress it.

Am I worried? Hell no. Any other shinobi would be scared shitless…but I'm not most shinobi, am I?

The reason why I'm not worried is because I can't die yet. Not _won't_, but _can't_. I still have to do stuff like become Hokage…or more importantly, return to Hinata-chan. Still, only a fool goes into battle without a contingency plan. I'm giving this diary (can I call it that, this is the only entry?) to Yamato-taicho. In the event that I [the words trail off, several sentences are started but are crossed out.]

If I don't come back, there are some things I need to let Hinata-chan know. I trust Yamato-taicho to give this diary to Hinata-chan without looking what's inside of it.

There probably isn't any need to worry. I can't wait to come back to Konoha. I can't wait to become Hokage. But most of all, I can't wait until I'm married to you, Hinata.

I love you, my tenshi.

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A woman sniffled, wiping a tear from her pale, lavender, pupil-less eyes. She was struck by the sheer emotion in her love's diary. She snapped the book closed as more tears fell down her face, despite her best efforts to contain them.

Something tugged on her long, dark-blue hair. She turned around to see a small boy, around four years old, with a small, chubby fistful or hair in his hands. He had taken mostly after his father, sporting his wild, spiky blonde hair. However, he definitely had his mother's eyes; a light mix of blue and pink, with no pupil.

"Mommy, why are you crying?" He asked. "Did I do something wrong?"

"You didn't do anything wrong, Minato-kun" Hinata answered. "I'm just reading something your f-f-father once wr-wrote."

"Okay." The small boy answered. "Where's daddy now?"

Hinata flinched. She didn't want to expose her darling son to the real world, just yet. Perhaps he could hold onto his innocence a little while longer.

"He's…" Hinata paused as she tried to think of a convincing lie.

Suddenly a yellow flash filled the room, and there was a warm breath tickling the back of her neck. "How's my beautiful wife doing, this fine evening?" Both fortunately and unfortunately, depending on your point of view, he noticed his son in the room and stopped himself from doing anything that would scar the boy mentally. The tall blonde man carelessly tossed his Hokage robes to the side as he wrapped his wife in a hug.

Hinata had to smile. Naruto was probably the only Kage who would regularly take missions, claiming that it got him away from the stuffy paperwork. "She is doing v-very fine, Rokudaime-sama." She teased.

Naruto grinned, wiping away another tear from Hinata's face with his thumb. "And how's my boy?"

"Great, dad! Guess what? I'm gonna become a ninja, and become Hokage, just like you!" Minato said cheerfully.

Naruto and Hinata were caught between smiling and wincing. Being a ninja was a hard life. It could be satisfying, protecting the ones you love, but it could be very hard. It was very common for ninjas to have some sort of post-traumatic stress due to the things they saw and did. As such, they refrained from mentioning their ninja lives too much in front of their son. If he wanted to become a ninja, then they would support him with everything they had, but they didn't want him to feel like becoming a ninja was the only way to make his parents proud. Now that Minato had made the choice on his own, it would definitely be a rewarding process training him and watching him grow as a ninja and as a person.

Eventually, the smile won out on Hinata's face. She half expected her son to shout dattebayo. Naruto had a genuine smile on his face as he ruffled his son's hair with his hand. With a shooing motion, he got his son to run upstairs and go to sleep.

Naruto grinned, too, before falling into a leather chair, pulling his wife with him. She let out an _eeep!_ as she fell into his lap, and Naruto decided a short kiss was in order. _Short_ being defined as less than ten minutes, of course.

"And how is little Hitomi-chan doing?" He asked when they were finished, placing a hand on Hinata's stomach.

"I think she's doing very well." Hinata said; a heavy blush on her face. The Byakugan had many applications, and monitoring the status of a pregnancy was among them. More detailed than an x-ray or ultrasound, yet with absolutely no chance of harming the child, Hinata used her Byakugan to check on her unborn daughter regularly. Even at two months, Hinata was meticulous in checking every day to make sure her daughter was developing correctly. Her smile failed as she looked down. "I read the diary." She admitted in a whisper. "I hope you're not mad at me."

Naruto only chuckled softly as he raised Hinata's chin so that he could meet her eyes. "I meant for you to read that someday, anyways. Why would I be mad at you?" He leaned forward to capture her lips with his own.

Their kiss became more and more passionate; but Hinata reluctantly separated herself from her husband. "Wh-what if Minato-kun hears us?" She panted, wanting Naruto so badly.

He gave her his traditional, fox-like grin. "I guess we'll just have to be quiet, then. Staying silent is half the fun, ne?"

Hinata refused to dwell on the horrors that might have been, and focus instead on the joy that was reality. Hinata let herself go, and enjoyed the night in the arms of her lover.

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**Ahahaha…consider this a late, late Valentine's Day fic. I am fairly certain I am now a diabetic after writing and rereading this chapter.**

**I** **bet I scared you there, huh? Yeah, I couldn't bring myself to kill Naruto. Maybe in one of my other fics… **

**Anyways, please review!**


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